Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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