so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
