I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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