i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
