Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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