Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
