WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
