Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
