if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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