i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I want to be your penis for a week.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I made him laugh his dick is mine
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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