no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
