i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
