would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
