If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My feet surprised me
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