i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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