whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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