After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
