even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
