you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
