As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
