My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
