I got chris browned last night
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
