Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
