I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
