hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
