i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
