There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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