I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
