Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
