The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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