i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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