the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My ATM looks so different sober.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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