My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
