i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
