You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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