i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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