did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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