I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
