Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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