Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
