I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
