HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
