After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
