you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
