I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
