good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
