Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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