If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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