Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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