Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
