New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
