Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
