"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
