dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
