Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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