Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
