ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
