ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
