if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
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i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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