just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you have to choose: penises or morals?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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