there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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