I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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